1. |
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i'm unemployed and still living in my dad's house
i spent all my money on just games and food
hell, i'm just now getting to this fucking album
cuz i didn't wanna pay the fees and dues
and that's why
it won't exist
or at least it shouldn't
and i've got
my therapist
maybe i would've
and you don't
have time for this
you don't give a shit
you couldn't
well, my brother left the state and had some children
i mean, fuck, he's doing way better than me
well, he's stuck in south dakota, that's still better
than high school friends and waking up at 3
and god i wish i could do something with my life
like get a car or job or self-esteem
but i guess all i can do is write an album
to get people to feel sorry for me
and that's why
it won't exist
or at least it shouldn't
and i've got
my therapist
maybe i would've
and you don't
have time for this
you don't give a shit
you couldn't
so this album goes out to everybody listening
who thinks this verse is useless cheesy shit
cuz now i know we have the same opinion
and i've introduced you for the rest of it
and that's why
it won't exist
or at least it shouldn't
and i've got
my therapist
maybe i would've
and you don't
have time for this
you don't give a shit
you couldn't
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2. |
fuck, it happened again
02:22
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we got high and watched the clouds
left everyone else out
in hindsight i'm about to not know what hit me
i wrote songs for hotel rooms
but those morning rooftop views
and late-night adult swim toons aren't what i'm thinking
i just can't fucking believe
i let this happen twice
it panned out just like that night and the next morning
after i block your phone and leave
i'm still out of fucking friends
you're just like him in the end, but I'm fucking stupid
and this isn't a love song
my romanticism's wrong
it's about your biggest wrongs in my fucking history
you'll take advantage of me
i mean, this opportunity
to make me do something I won't in a normal standing
i just can't fucking believe
i let this happen twice
it panned out just like that night and the next morning
after i block your phone and leave
i'm still out of fucking friends
you're just like her in the end, but i'm fucking stupid
everywhere I'll go
boy scouts and broken homes
old friends or shared cheekbones, or my fucking new ones
you've no spine to call your own
no empathetic bones
no love to give in droves but i still don't have mine
i just can't fucking believe
i let this happen twice
it panned out just like that night and the next morning
after i block your phone and leave
i'm still out of fucking friends
you're just like them in the end, but i'm fucking stupid
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3. |
wise guy
03:01
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well i saw you, or i didn't, when you said that i was gone for good
and you saw me at my weakest and you kept it, just like i thought you would
and i can't respond to messages, i'm busy with nothing to do
so i'm planning out a title for a song i'm gonna write about you
well, my archive's incomplete, i can't remember where it was we met
but in 6 months i'll be back and you can force me to know again
but i only pay attention when i'm drunk, i swear that i'll be there
but you said you liked me better that way, if i can't change, then i don't care
and i haven't said a single word to you since you said i should talk
but i don't know what it'd be, i'm fucking lost, i know that's not a shock
well, maybe an apology, some spectres or some cycle shit
then i'll reference some old in-joke and ignore my problems for the bit
so go on, tell your next friends how i didn't care whether you lived
but if words and dreams won't cut it what the fuck am i supposed to give
when you're halfway across the world and i'm not even there when i'm around
so i get why we're apart now, i just don't enjoy the way it sounds.
the last time we really talked was about end of evangelion.
i had said that asuka told shinji he was disgusting at the end for leaving despite everyone else being happier.
now that's a shortsighted reading of the film that highlights my own biases, but you didn't say that.
you just pointed out that she left too.
i didn't really have a response for that, but,
god knows i do now.
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4. |
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my average cough is more productive than my last 3 years of life
i'll blow it off and grab the duct tape just to keep my fate sealed tight
a fucking moth under my lampshade, i guess i don't know what's right
you say you love me but I think you're just attracted to the light
i can't see
while i'm sitting here and staring, you don't seem that close to me
but if you get something out of it, well, you're begging on your knees
i can't believe i fell for this again, fool me twice, shame on me
but in my head you can't do any wrong, i guess we'll wait and see
well, what you did? i'm full of it
my comforts aren't that well-equipped
i'm at my worst, that i'll admit
but hey, let me see you do it
cuz my head's spinning from living since
your thoughts of love and crocks of shit
my lights are off, it's only 6
i'm fucking dumb, let's say that's it
getting through this month has been a fucking challenge as of late
so pardon me if i don't give a damn for numbers, names, or dates
or figuring if you traumatized me or the other fucking way
so i'm so sorry i'm so distant, i'm just having a rough day
these past few weeks
well, what you did? i'm full of it
my comforts aren't that well-equipped
i'm at my worst, that i'll admit
but hey, let me see you do it
cuz my head's spinning from living since
your thoughts of love and crocks of shit
my lights are off, it's only 6
i'm fucking dumb, let's say that's it
cuz i fucked it up, like everything
pushed you away, and all of them
i cut my ties, that's all there is
but hey, let me see you do it
cuz my life's a blur from where i've been
my awkward hugs and bad exits
i can't sleep, it's already 6
i'm fucking dumb, let's say that's it
my head's in the clouds
but i'm coming down
and then i'll fall
and then i'll drown
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5. |
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well here i am just dreaming up my 3rd ever LP
not that much has changed from number 1 to number 3
and if you're looking for the second, well, just give it 15 years
i'll come across the MP3s and listen through my tears
and i'll sit back in my chair and then my cries will turn to laughs
"i could've gotten somewhere if i took a different path"
and i'll upload them to streaming for all 3 of you to play
in a compilation titled, "early songs from better days"
my head has hit the table and my mood has hit the floor
but the first thought through my head was "that rhyme works in line 4"
well, my therapist said music was a way for me to cope
and i think it might be working, or at least i fucking hope
and i only self-reflect when it's convenient for a song
project my pain and fear 'till i can say that nothing's wrong
and a little introspection could ruin my mood for days
so i'll stick to my self-centered, self-hating, miserable ways
my head has hit the table and my mood has hit the floor
but the first thought through my head was "that rhyme works in line 4"
well, my therapist said music was a way for me to cope
and i think it might be working
or at least i fucking hope
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6. |
cognitive dissonance
02:57
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he said self-loathing won't make you better
i said i know that as well as you
cuz if we could fix problems by hating them, well
i think we'd have a lot less to do
cuz there's still a such thing as the cops
there's still shit that we still can't afford
and hell, we're still fighting for somebody's dollars in
perpetual war after war
he said, you know you're avoiding the question
self-awareness won't excuse you for shit
you can whine all you want about how you've done wrong
but that won't change the fact that you did
i thought about that for a second
as i woke up to my empty bed
and i'd soon forget that entire interaction, but
this verse just stuck in my head
in the end we all just wanna live
and some of us just wanna die
and i'd like to think i belong to the former, so
sometimes i just have to lie
and tell myself that nothing ever happened
and that the memories are lost to the sea
but in the back of my mind, when it hits, i unwind
and can barely whisper, "i'm sorry"
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7. |
this one's a deep cut
02:34
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well i wanna dismember myself and write 10 seperate notes
mail each body part express to every person that i know
and every piece of me is made into a fancy cut of steak
to eat in silence while you think about the last thing that i'll say
just what the fuck
is going on
behind these drywall-plastered homes and perfect lawns
this ugly spot
in urban sprawl
i'm wasting more space than your average shopping mall
i'll touch some grass
just let me know
when you find any that's not paved into roads
you wave your flag
i'll wave my hand
cuz fuck this shit, i'm sticking my head in the sand
and you could make a perfect robot to replace my future self
just throw ironic deprecation on some slipping mental health
but it's an ethics question, man, i wouldn't wish it on the worst
to deal with my internal self even after i'm in a hearse
but that's assuming that i'll even get that luxury in death
i won't be left to rot in nowhere after i draw my last breath
and hell, that's probably better than a box, a rock, and guests
and carving out a name that's deader than my decomposing chest
and when i die, it won't do any good, but same when i'm alive
and i'm not suicidal but i doubt i'll get to 25
but if i make it, i'll make sure i play this song for people live
to show my stupid 18-year-old self i'm glad that i survived
will i still be making music 7 years from now? i hope
but i also wanna think that i'll have better ways to cope
and better ways of writing lyrics than self-referential woes
but still, with any luck, by then, i'm just a stone among the rows
so what the fuck
is going on
behind my 6-feet, casket lid, and skin embalmed
this ugly spot
in history walls
it took some time but i was always doomed to fall
i'll touch some grass
just let me know
when the roots grow long enough to reach my bones
you wave your flag
i'll wave my hand
cuz fuck this shit, i'm giving myself to the land
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8. |
depression, continued
03:50
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well, none of this is new to me
my head is fucking killing me, i think i'd rather be
asleep, to death, my bedroom is my hospice
i wish i left, i can't just handle all this from me
well it's weighing on my mind
i've got 2 dollars and 44 cents sitting in my bank
and i stay home every day
and it's almost every hour when i dissociate
don't fucking talk to me
i'm sleeping off the hunger and i'm wasting useless ink
i'm living misery
and it's not changing no matter what you motherfucking think
and i'm such a fucking slob
these fast-food bags and bloody rags threaten to swallow me
and i haven't got a job
not focusing on school or music, not a fucking thing
my music's going pop
i can't even give all the shits required to be me
and it's never gonna stop
no matter how much i want to, it just won't fucking be
all along
all i want
is for someone to
shake me by the shoulders
hit me across my face
say "roll that fucking boulder, then make that shit stay in place"
they say that it's impossible but do what you want, man
cuz i'll never be a woman
but you'll never fight the man
and well
i won't be fighting much myself
i can't believe that i put you through this hell
with all the shit that i can't take back
and this song
these shitty references won't help
it only shows that i can't do this myself
but i'm tired of fucking saying that
and with you off the line
i'm wasting all my time
it's hard to say i'm fine
this shit's not even mine
well i can't do this shit for that much longer
i mean, how can anybody even act
or make it out like i've gotten stronger
when weakness is only a fact
it's shit
it's fake
all the personas i make
i quit
fuck's sake
how many fucking times will it take
for me to emphasize my strengths
and not romanticize my angst
i'm fucking tired of this place
i hate this shit, i hate this age
but i won't ever see the day
when i step out into the rain
and i accept that things will change
and i'll make efforts to arrange
instead i'm lying on my floor
thinking about what could be more
i've made it pretty fucking sure
that i will never wake up sane in my life
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9. |
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well i drank alone last night, but i still saw all of my friends
just drove back home to my sad music and vodka-gatorade in bed
but lemme tell you, 4am's a lot less fun than not wishing you'd respond
to all my desperate texts for validation about my old friends and my songs
and how i just can't stand the fucking thought of one day around them all
but i won't share that with them
cuz it'd hurt their feelings
i'll see myself out
i'll drive myself home
i won't leave my house
or my room alone
i won't let you in
don't you fucking see
i'm bad for the dynamic
i'll ruin the chemistry
well i still haven't left my house, but what's that matter anyway
when i don't get up when you're here so i don't know when you're away
but i gotta say, what i do for fun's not even that fun anymore
at some point staying home and playing music still feels like a chore
but what else do i have
i'll see myself out
i'll drive myself home
i won't leave my house
or my room alone
i won't let you in
don't you fucking see
i'm bad for the dynamic
i'll ruin the chemistry
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10. |
aftermath 57-100
02:55
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when i texted you for the first time in months i said i owed you an explanation
and i remember what you said
you said, "i'm at work"
i remember how after that i sat in my car in the parking lot of some irish pub listening to pat the bunny on my aux cord that still never fully connects
and i remember how when i got to your house, your mom said hi like it'd been only a week or so since we last saw each other
and i'll remember how i fell asleep on you watching smiling friends in your room that's way too cold, and how just for a minute, i forgot anything had even happened
and i'll remember walking into the bathroom of that german place we met up on my birthday and just crying cuz you were doing something more with your life
cuz i'm sure fucking full of it, that's one thing that i know
and if we ever meet again i'll smile and say hello like you didn't
hear my songs about how i abandoned you before
so yeah, it happened again, i think
but it was my fault, not yours
and i know that every song i write's gotta have one of these spoken word parts now, cuz somewhere along the way i forgot how to write melodies
and i know that half of "fuck, it happened again" is made up not of shit you actually did, but what others did before you that you just unfortunately reminded me of
and i know that shit was weird up to when i left
but that's no excuse to say things like that
and i know that i miss hanging out with you and stuff
cuz i'm sure fucking full of it, that's one thing that i know
and if we ever meet again i'll smile and say hello like you didn't
hear my songs about how i abandoned you before
so turn the lights off on your way out
but please
don't shut the door
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11. |
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these songs gave me a reason to go on
and i can say that sappy bullshit all i want
but all i really wanted was my thoughts out on the page
to see how fucking stupid it was all along
"i can tell you pour your heart out when you play", you say
but if heart's all that i've got, then who's to say
that it won't just bloat and fail and be constricted by itself
and leave me in the hospital for days
this fucking sucks
so just be honest
i can't fucking do this
we're all just fucked
so don't spare my feelings
spare me the comments
from these self-absorbed bad lies
my brand of pain, it's
detached from my real life
so just fucking face it
i reconnected with a friend today. as we got to talking, he mentioned that he was just talking about me to someone the other day. he told me he'd shown them one of my songs. i asked which one, and he replied with the name of a song i'd written almost 5 years ago.
since then, i've been thinking about how there's someone out there whose perception of me, a friend of a friend, is that moment, crying in a bedroom i no longer live in, begging people to use a name i no longer go by.
sometimes i wish i could see her too.
this fucking sucks
so just be honest
i can't fucking do this
we're all just fucked
so don't spare my feelings
spare me the comments
from these self-absorbed bad lies
my brand of pain, it's
detached from my real life
so just fucking face it
whenever i write a song about someone, it's usually after i've stopped talking to them. i feel justified and correct in what i've written when i only remember my side of the story. but inevitably, when they try to get back in contact with me, i start to remember the better parts of our relationship, and why the worse parts maybe weren't as bad as i remember, and i start to feel like maybe i've misrepresented them in the song.
there are at least 5 songs i've cut from this album for that exact reason, and 3 more that made it that i really hope certain people don't hear, because they represent how i felt about them at a very different time in my life.
that's why half the songs on this album are about not being able to write songs, because that's the only thing that prompts me to write that doesn't saddle me with guilt for saying something bad about someone that might not even be true.
and that's the real reason why it won't exist.
or at the very least, it probably shouldn't.
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Pigeon Chess Tampa, Florida
Shitty name I'm using for my solo stuff. I literally don't expect to get any streams and will occasionally just post shit here. Feel free to pirate my stuff, assuming you would even want it
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